Open and Close

Am C
5 min readFeb 11, 2023

My mind is like a train running really really fast, without any breaks. Shifting tracks from topic to topic, going full-on.
It’s always on the run.
Certain indulgences acted as a brake at certain times. It helped me to slow down and just be in the moment. Relax and enjoy the view. Even if it was only for a while.
But in retrospect, those little moments feel like an entire life on its own.
During those times I didn’t care about anything. I was just going with the flow. It was good. It felt good. But even that didn’t last long.
Eventually, people will show who they really are, beneath the initial facade and show they put on for you, and after that, you won’t be able to be comfortable around them.

Those old vibes you shared is longer present. Something is missing. Something. You don’t know what it is. But it’s just not there. Was it really there before? or that too was just an illusion? or do you even care about whether this thing is there or not? Does it even matter?
What if you’re just bored and making all this up in your mind?
Enough exploring all the permutations and combinations.
Listen to the feelings. You know how you feel. How do you feel now? It’s not an instant impulsive thought. It’s persistent. It’s been like this for a while.
These feelings must be true right? Right? Yeah.
Those vibes will be missed. Those old vibes, or your present idea of the old vibes you have shared with them. It will be missed, faded away into the memory lanes of your mind. The experiences which can’t be regained or relived again. Maybe that’s what’s making it so valuable. and precious. Oh, my precious.

It only exists in the mind. forever. Everything changes, everything.
It creates some problems. If we can’t accept this fact, it has the power to play tricks on your brain. Mainly on emotions. The things which you feel. It can make you feel a lot of things. Even things that you thought you were not capable of feeling.
Refuse the reality, and get ready to ride a rollercoaster of emotions.
How do I know this? because I also refused to open my eyes to reality.
It was there, straight before my eyes.
But I was blind to it. I just closed my eyes and replayed the old times again and again, wishing that when I open my eyes back, somehow it will be there. It will be there in front of me.
Not in my memories, not in fantasy, not in dreams, but in reality.
But it never was there. And never will be there.
Just like Heraclitus said,
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
It has changed. Changed to something else.
The sooner we can accept that, the better it gets. The rollercoaster tends to stop when we accept. But the train will keep on running though.
The sooner we accept, the sooner we can get back to reality and see things for what they are, they really are.

The thing I have learned by closing my eyes for a really really long time is quite amusing.
It’s never the same narrative when we close our eyes. It always changes. It always branches out into too many scenarios. Too many interpretations. You just can’t be sure which is right and which is wrong. Maybe everything is right. All of it exists in the dream dimension and reality dimension at the same time.
Even the contradicting ones.
Maybe it’s all wrong.
Maybe it’s just an idealistic drama created by your mind just to comfort you. A narrative in which we can find peace. A narrative in which we can find comfort in.
Maybe it’s both. Maybe It’s an amalgamation of all these dreams and real possibilities existing and playing out simultaneously.

But we just forget one simple fact. None of it matters anymore. What’s happened has already happened. Reality exists here, and it’s far far far away from the fantasy world.

Opening your eyes becomes painful. Everything crumbles down. None of the thoughts, ideas, or scenarios from the fantasy world won’t be able to survive here. It perishes.
Then you try to close your eyes. again, and try to hold it. A little longer.
But it’s not doing you any good rather than a momentary comfort. You can’t live your life by closing your eyes forever.
You might get hit by a bus when your walking down the street like that.
Eventually, you have to open it. But every time you open it, it hurts.
The more time you spend in the fantasy land by closing your eyes, the more it hurts when you open your eyes and try to face the reality.
We just forget that it’s better to open up and face the reality even if it’s causing pain for a while.
We are very quick to jump back and eager to venture into the fantasy land and keep on living with closed eyes.
Like everything else, this pain also doesn’t last. This will fade away after a while.
Remember. Nothing lasts. Not even your sorrows.

Just because closing our eyes is more comfortable, we tend to spend more time there. You see, it’s a vicious cycle. A cycle that consumes you. The only way out is through. You have to open your eyes, open your heart, and just raw dog it. That’s how you can break the loop. That’s how you can come out.

These cycles can happen again and again even after you came out of one. We should be able to understand that we are in one when we are in one and actively keep on trying to come out of it.

It’s better to live by opening your eyes and heart.
Ready to accept new experiences.
Ready to accept new people.
Ready to accept new places.
Enough dwelling in the past and in the fantasy land.
Let the old dream be just that. An old dream.

You should have the courage to leave everything behind.
People who you thought were your friends,
the idea of whom you thought you are,
the idea you had about what you should be doing,
all these are the artifacts of the closed-eye world.

It’s better to leave it behind and never look back.
Open your eyes and see the world unfold before you.
Venture into the unknown.
Enter it with grace.
It’s pregnant with infinite possibilities.
Every chaos contains immense possibilities.
Possibilities that can give birth to a dancing star.

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Am C

hola. This is mostly just self talk. ig: @_amc.__